Ugh. Seriously.

I have decided I should be more adament about posting on this blog. I have another blog where I do not post incognito, but come one, I am so NOT going to link this page to that page cause you just know someone would come here, click on the link, and BOOM! they figure out this is me too. Granted, some of the people that read my "other blog" would care less, some even know that I am bi- or at least that I have tripped aimlessly down that path before, but the others...? Yeah, too much to deal with.

I am kinda at one of those proverbial turning points in my life. I am about to start Grad School, I am starting a new teaching job after the Holidays, and I am seriously considering building a house. I also think I want to start working on a personal relationship in my life. I have no shortage of friends to hang with so my social life is great, but I am thinking something a little more cuddly would be good for me. When it comes to dating I am completely schizo. I last "dated" the gal who is now my best friend for all intents and purposes. Hell, except for the fact that she is married, we are still dating. Seriously. And I wonder why I can't seem to find a relationship of my own. As much as I love the company of women, and that is where my brain/heart goes first when considering a new relationship, I kinda want to date a guy. Lately, men are the place "other" parts of me are going. For me, there is just something safer dating a guy. AND THAT MAKES NO SENSE! I am not going to "come out" so people will always wonder if we are "just friends," but I always think about the long term effects. Ugh.

I think I have just wacked my psyche. Poor thing. It can't keep up with my deranged emotional ramblings. My newest obsession is scanning gay-related blogs. I think I am looking for inspiration. I will be in The Queen City for New Year's Eve with a nice mix of friends of the "could care less" variety so we can hit the gay clubs for New Year's. Maybe that will be just the inspiration I need.

Secret Boyfriend

Yeah, I choose him.


Grayson McCouch is like George Clooney, only hotter.

Sigh.

Uh oh, when did that happen?

Yeah. So here's my problem. I think I have a crush on my best guy friend. I am sure this sounds familiar, but honestly, he hasn't ever been that kind of friend. We met at work, started hanging out since I am friends with his girlfriend, and it just grew from there. He's funny and smart, not hunky or hot. He and his gf have a little girl, and I have been a part of their lives since they became a "them." I've noticed lately that I get excited when he calls, or when he emails me, and I have always like hanging out with him. Through the past few years we have "mandates" where he and I go out without our usual others. I've never thought anything of it. Just like I wouldn't think I was skeezing on his girl if she and I went out alone, which we do occasionally. So where does that leave me? I think I just don't know how to have a close, semi-intimate male friendship without considering crossing the line. Maybe that's part of my realtionship problems. I have a hard time with boundaries. I think the good news with my friend is that I don't want to have sex with him. I don't think I am physically attracted to him in that way. I mean, cuddling would be okay- but he would SO FREAK OUT!? Why is it okay for women to be intimate without being sexual, but men have to keep the "safe" distance. I have a redneck friend that hunts and camps with a lot of other rednecks, and they have a "rule": "Hole to Hole, or Pole to Pole, but NEVER Pole to Hole." That is how they describe sleeping arrangements. Sad. I would love to curl up on the couch with a male friend and just cozy up.

Geesh. I need a boyfriend.

What's a guy to do?

So next week my long lost love/soulmate is coming into town for one day only. She has been married for a few years now, and this is the first time I have seen her in three years. Naturally, her visit brings back all sorts of memories and feelings. I love her, truly I do. I know she loves me too. We just couldn't make it work out. It was always about timing. And blame, lots of blame. We are still emotionally close, so it will be really good to see her. There is a part of me that hopes she will tell me her marriage isn't on solid ground and that she thinks a separation is in order. I mean her husband is a nice enough fellow I suppose, but she has never told me she loves him. I don't doubt that she does, I just think this marriage isn't 100 percent what she would want it to be. I do know that he is incredibly supportive of her, and with her wild personality swings, that is impressive. Having her here next week will be great. But it does make me think about who else I wouldn't mind swinging through the 'Ville to see me...